Apr 22 2007

Too Much

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That, in a nutshell, describes what it is to be bi-polar.

You’re always too much. Always either too high or too low.

It didn’t impress me so much to be too much for Alabama. Or most of the other places I lived. And the fact was, it doesn’t seem I was too much for New Orleans, or San Francisco. They were too much for me.

But, it seems, I am definitely too much for Santa Cruz.

On the other hand, I was unexpectedly woken up this morning by people at the business under who’s eaves I generally sleep. They usually aren’t there on Saturday. And one of them gave me and the other person that sleeps there $6 and said “Get yourself some breakfast.”

I see things like this every day in Santa Cruz, if I just stand and watch awhile. And often am the recipient of such generosity. Perhaps you would call it agape.

While I don’t like paying Sampson’s prices, the fact is their medicine is a whole quatum leap above Greenway’s. Greenway, evidently, kiefs their medicine. Sampson, apparently, doesn’t. And veteran cannabis users, and particularly medicinal users, can tell if their medicine has been kiefed. Oh yes, they can tell.

But it never occured to me I would be too much for Santa Cruz.

Cagey (also mentioned here as the founder and former director of Santa Cruz Homeless Services) sent me another email. Essentially she threatens to give my stuff to goodwill, unless I tell her (by April 23rd) which nearby storage to put it in. And she will pay the first month. The tone of it, and the opening sentence set me off. She accuses me of abusing her, states she doesn’t feel comfortable having me in her home or being around me, and similar stuff. Well, the fact is that was her attitude from the beginning. And it seems from the comments she has made along the way, that she was hoping to seduce me into joining the two-step crowd at the twelve-step camp meeting.

As for abuse, she made a similar comment when I posted an article about the homeless in the Sentinel’s forum. I didn’t get what she found so offensive with regard to herself about the article. I think she just considers it her baby, and she takes any criticism or attack personally. She wrote the grants for most of it. A commendable and remarkable endeavor.

I copied her email to the newspaper’s forum, and said some nasty things. And then deleted it probably within 15 minutes as what she had said sunk in.

(I think everyone should have at least 15 minutes, and a half hour is better, to undo anything. But that’s just me.)

I got the email yesterday and she requested a ‘received receipt’, which I denied.

I’ve been meaning to respond but that fact is I wanted to give myself some time, and I spent all morning getting cigarettes, having lunch at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and walking to the other dispensary in town. (Well, actually there are three. But I don’t think the other one takes MasterCard. I should check.)

If I had become acquainted any other way than through that concentration camp they call homeless services with Santa Cruz, I think I might think quite highly of this town. And it’s true, some people have done some rather extraordinary things, and made some extraordinary effort, to help me. But the fact also remains that if their homeless services had considered my cannabis like any other medicine, I wouldn’t have needed (or wanted) any help, other than what was available and provided by the local social services.

As for Greenway, while the city set us at odds with each other from the start, they weren’t happy to have me as a customer. I had to raise a stink to get a discount, and they weren’t giving me compassion bags until I made a stink as well. I don’t like blackmailing people into doing for me what they do for others who are disabled and poor and medical marijuana patients.

And I don’t think you would put someone you respected in that position. They never tried to come to some arrangement with me where I could pay them a fixed amount per month for an amount to meet my needs. And I’m certainly not aware of one thing they have done to help with my, or any other, patient’s housing problems. Their attitude seems to be that isn’t their problem, and it’s none of their business. A rather absurd stance when you consider they are calling themselves “compassionate” and “caregivers”.

I remember that meeting where Greenway got the final stamp of approval from the City Council. Lisa wanted a club. A place where people could medicate. And her girlfried wanted to give massages. I could be wrong, but it seems she envisioned a homey, healing place. A place conducive to creating community.

And instead the city council turned them into common drug dealers. I remember muttering “just like a drug dealer” when some blowhard on the city council pronounced in their bureaucrat-ease, “We want you to just sell marijuana, nothing else…”

There was an incident a few days before they banned me. Robert had given me a ride over there and asked to use my cell-phone while he waited. I said sure, but didn’t tell him how to unlock the keys. He was holding it up in the sun trying to see how to get it to work (and there is also something growing across the screen) when he was interrupted by one of the guards at Greenway who told him he couldn’t do that there.

And Robert told me Lisa had said something to him indicating she intended to blame him, in part, for banning me.

Sigh.

Lot a politics going on here.

And, if you ask me, these people are all nuts.

That’s the really maddening thing about being too much. Not only must you constantly be holding yourself back to keep from scaring the Yahoos, but if you dare so much as whisper about how totally nuts they are they will gang up on you and rip you to shreds.

It’s too much, isn’t it?

Well, you have yourself a diddley-bop day now.


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